Natural Beauty Rituals of 7 of the World’s Most Beautiful Women
Oddly, some of them really work.
Beauty is a funny concept. We say things like beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and beauty is only skin deep, and don’t judge a book by its cover.
But then we do exactly that.
Pretty privilege has always been real.
Easier today, when there’s lip plumpers and Botox, plastic surgery if you’re wealthy enough and night cream with retinol if you’re not.
But back when women were property? Not so much.
They had to get creative.
And hoo-boy, did they get creative. Here’s some of the beauty rituals of the world’s most beautiful women. Amazingly, some of them actually stand up to science, hundreds or thousands of years later.
“Beauty is not caused. It is.” ~Emily Dickinson
1. Helen of Troy bathed in vinegar
Helen of Troy was the most beautiful woman to walk the Earth. Daughter of Zeus and Leda. Honestly, historians don’t even know what happened to her. She might have been abducted. Or maybe she was seduced.
Maybe she screamed “fml” one time too many and ran away.
They have no clue.
But that doesn’t matter, because we know her beauty secret.
Every day, her attendants would fill a large tub with an acid solution that was pretty much what we call red wine vinegar today. Then she’d get in and soak in the reeking stuff. At least, that’s what Homer tells us in the Iliad.
Pretty smart lady, if she was real, considering it was thousands of years before pH was invented. See, here’s the thing. Healthy, glowing skin has a low pH. Like, around 3.5 to 5. But most soap is actually quite caustic. So, a good old vinegar soak would reduce the pH of your skin to make it healthier.
Verdict: Stinky but sound. If your nose can handle it, go for it.
2. Simonetta Vespucci wore leeches for earrings
I know. Who? You’ve never heard of her, but you probably recognize her face. Vespucci was a noblewoman and the model for famous paintings by Botticelli and other Florentine painters. The birth of Venus — that’s her.
Apparently, she wore leeches as earrings.
I know, right? Are you screaming?
Hey, did your earring just move? Hahaha. Gross. Hey, no worries. Just pick it up off your face (or head) and put it back on your earlobe. Gives a whole new definition to not being able to find an earring, hmm? Gross. Gag.
She wasn’t the only crazy one.
It was a fad. A lot of women in her era wore leeches as earrings. Apparently, the leaches drained the blood from their faces and left them with that lovely pale white skin that just screams upper class.
I’ll take my peaches and cream, thank you very much.
Verdict: No! A thousand times, no! Gross. Do not try this at home. If you try this at home, it’s your own fault. Not my fault. You have been warned.
3. Lucrezia Borgia used lye and lemon on her hair
Historians say the poet Lord Byron once stole a strand of her hair and kept it by his bed for inspiration. Somehow, creepy as that sounds, I think she’d have been pleased. She did have somewhat a reputation as a femme fatale.
She was a Spanish-Italian noblewoman whose pride and joy was her long, flowing blonde hair. So blonde it almost glowed, they said.
News flash. It wasn’t real. She rinsed it in lye and lemon juice for hours, and laid in the sun for the better part of a day to let it dry and bleach in the sun.
It took so much time that she often had to cancel and postpone trips because heaven forbid she travel with dark roots. Astoundingly, letters from her attendants have survived to to this day. Little notes, apologizing that she must be late to prepare her clothing and “wash her head.”
Verdict: Do you like wigs? Because if you do, you’ll need to learn to like wigs. Do you know what caustic means? Google lye. You’ll see why.
4. Mary, Queen of Scots, bathed in white wine
Mary wasn’t a real beauty, they say. I’m not sure how we’d know, since portraits weren’t exactly accurate. But she was royal, so she had a pretty generous budget for beauty remedies.
Apparently, she’d have her servants fill a tub with white wine and then she’d soak and wade around in it. She believed it was good for her skin.
It sounds stupidly decadent, but it’s actually something people still do today. It’s called vinotherapy. Except, you won’t be bathing in real white wine. Just the leftover compost from the winemaking process. Yay, capitalism.
It’s not really that different than Helen of Troy bathing in vinegar. It’s a pH thing. Except you get to smell like a drunk instead of a washer woman.
Verdict: If you can afford to dunk your entire body in a tub full of wine a couple of times a week, go for it. Don’t tell the Kardashians. You know they will.
5. Marie Antoinette washed with pigeon water
People hated Marie Antoinette at first. Because she married the King but no babies popped out. Eight years later when the babies started to arrive, they liked her much better. So beautiful, they said. So pretty.
She faithfully bought pigeon water. Swore by it.
It was a commercial beauty product, like Neutrogena, but pigeon. The label said “Eau Cosmetique de Pigeon” and came with a card promising every bottle was made with “eight pigeons stewed.”
Every morning, she used that pricey “pigeon water” to wash off her daily face and body mask. Can I tell you a secret? It wasn’t the pigeon water.
It was the face mask. Cognac, eggs, powdered milk, and lemon. Slather on, let the egg dry completely and then wash off. Pigeon water optional.
Verdict: Good recipe for a homemade face mask. Well done, Marie. But skip the pigeon water. Unless you want to smell like chicken broth. Ugh.
6. Cleopatra bathed in sour donkey milk
Some people say Cleopatra was the most beautiful women, ever. Others say meh, not so much. Either way, no one seems to remember anything she did, except snagging the hearts of the two most powerful men of her time.
Wow, the power of woman! Sorry, that was snarkastic.
Her lipstick was made of ground up beetles and her undereye power was made of dehydrated, powered crocodile dung. But those didn’t make her beautiful, silly. They just enhanced the beauty.
What “made” her beautiful was her bath secret.
Every day, her servants would milk 100 donkeys. Then they’d fill a bathtub with the milk and let it sit until it soured. Once it was sufficiently gelatinous, she’d slide her naked body into the goo for a good long soak.
(Don’t do that with your face. It’s gonna freeze that way)
Sounds gross, right? This actually has sound science behind it. Soured lactose turns into lactic acid, which gently removes the top layer of skin, revealing fresh, new skin underneath. Basically, it was a gentle full body peel.
Verdict: Scientifically sound, but stinky. My stomach is kind of churning.
7. Empress Sissi slathered strawberries
Empress Elizabeth of Austria (Sissi to her family) was called one of the most beautiful women of all time. Probably didn’t hurt that she was a child bride, married off at age 16. Young skin does tend to be lovely. lol.
Two of her favorite beauty secrets were strawberries and olive oil. But not to eat. She’d crush up fresh strawberries and smear them all over her face, neck, chest and arms. After letting that soak a while, she’d sink into a warm bath with plenty of warm virgin olive oil.
Surprise, surprise, there’s actual science to her choices. The high amount of vitamin C in strawberries helps lighten the skin. When used topically, it makes skin look more fresh and radiant.
Fresh strawberries smell better than sour donkey milk, too.
Olive oil is packed with vitamin E, antioxidants, squalene and oleocanthal which repair skin damage and may prevent aging. Plus, there’s no down side. Olive oil is non-toxic, anti-microbial, and hypoallergenic.
Verdict: Scientifically sound, and not even stinky. Worth a try.
What all those women knew…
Your skin is your biggest organ. Everything you put on it gets soaked into it. I mean, think about it... that’s why medical “patches” work. That’s why soap sometimes makes your skin feel dry. Funny how many women figured out what works long before there were corporations to write ads to tell us what works. Even if it doesn’t. Except the leeches. That’s just a no.
“There is no exquisite beauty… without some strangeness in the proportion.” ― Edgar Allan Poe