The 10 Ways Men Identified Witches In Salem Are Still Way Too Familiar

We don't hang witches anymore. But we keep saying the same ten things to women and we can't seem to stop

Y’all, here’s a story so whack I can hardly believe it, but it’s true.

One year there was an early frost that killed the crops so a guy marched his buns down to city officials and asked why witches were “allowed” to conjure up an early frost to kill the crops. I wish I was kidding, but I’m not.

City officials told him to go home, they’d look into it.

Which — you’d think — is a nice way of telling a weirdo to flake off.

But no. That’s not how it went down. He went home and told his neighbors, so they went down to complain, too. After all, their crops were bad, too.

Suddenly, officials had a problem. You can ignore one wackadoo, but when it’s a bunch of wackadoodles? Now you have to deal with it. The year was 1626.

Long story short, a “witch” was tortured until she confessed to causing the frost. Funny thing about pain, sometimes people will confess to things they didn’t do just to make the pain stop.

The Prince-Bishop killed her and took her land and money into his coffers.

Omg! Free money. Free land. Suddenly, the Prince-Bishop was “discovering” so many witches, he had to build a witch-house to hold them while they waited for the torture that would get them to confess so he could take their property.

That was in Germany and honestly, the Germans were late to the party. Switzerland had been burning witches since the 1400s. America was even later to the party but they didn’t burn witches, they hung them.

Here’s the weird part. No matter which country you look at, they all identified witches the same way. Weird, right?

And if you look at the top “signs” a woman was a witch?

They still sound way too familiar.

1. She’s a woman? Witch!

For thousands of years, people believed woman were more likely to be crazy or corrupt. Because duh, Eve and that stupid apple.

In Salem, 14 of the 19 people hanged for being a witch were women. Two of the men were husbands who hanged along with their Satan loving wives. They got corrupted, is what officials said. Just like Adam was corrupted by Eve.

Historians say 78% of accused witches were women. Literally, around the world. Everywhere they burned or hanged witches? Mostly women, and occasional a man who loved them.

After the hangings, it was asylums. Because women be crazy, right? Today they don’t hang us or throw us an asylums. Dudes just go on social media and call women crazy. That’s still a thing. Biotch be crazy. Ho be crazy.

2. She has too much money? Witch!

89% of the women executed as witches in New England were rich widows who inherited wealth when their husbands died, but didn’t have a son or brother to take control of the bounty.

Clearly, the state had to take their property. Because tsk, tsk. If a woman has money, what on earth would she need a man for? Which also explains why women weren’t allowed bank accounts until 1974.

Think about that. In all the years people have inhabited the planet, women only got to have their own bank accounts fifty years ago.

No one hangs us for having money anymore, but they still don’t approve. According to Pew research, only 32% of Americans think it’s okay for a woman to be the financial provider. That’s the man’s role, honey.

3. She lives in poverty? Witch!

Margaret Atwood has an ancestor that was hanged as a witch and survived. Not even kidding. Her name was Mary Webster and her crime was poverty. Her husband up and died and left her broke.

People got sick of her begging. She begged an important man. In public. Then he got sick, so obviously, she cursed him. Duh.

Know what they said? Being poor was her own fault. Go find a man, witch. Know why she has no man? Because she’s a witch. Duh.

Today we say that nonsense to single moms. Being poor is her own fault. Shouldn’t have had kids if she can’t afford them, as if she made them all by herself. Get a better job, honey. Also? Go find a man.

4. She’s promiscuous? Witch!

Martha Corey had an illegitimate son. She knew that was taboo and tried to fix her public image. She became pious. Got married. Went to church daily. Sorry, sweetie. Too little, too late.

Her “character” was obvious. She had an illegitimate kid.

When she was tried in Salem, her son was the evidence. How do you deny that kind of evidence, when they march your kid into court? Of course, she was found guilty and hanged. Her husband was crushed to death for defending the witch.

It’s the same old dross. Men are expected to sow their wild oats. Women get called nasty names. Like ho. And worse. Some things never change.

5. She makes other women jealous? Witch!

Mary Bliss Parsons was pretty. Maybe too pretty. If that wasn’t bad enough, she married the richest man in town. When she started having babies, she had nine. And they all lived. In an era where a lot of babies died.

Other women started to hate her. Something wrong when one woman has so much going for her. Ain’t natural.

In 1674 she was charged with witchcraft based on the accusations of other women. She was found innocent but the accusations didn’t stop. Her husband closed the business and they fled to another state.

Women still hate on each other. The patriarchy taught us well. All those other women? Duh. Competition, amiright? Hello, mean girls.

6. Is she opinionated? Witch!

“Did she not show the character of an embittered, meddlesome, demanding woman — perhaps in short, the character of a witch? Did she not scold, rail, threaten and fight?” (source)

That’s what they said in the trial of Rachel Clinton.

Women weren’t supposed to be outspoken, much less opinionated or argumentative. They were supposed to be meek and agreeable. If she had a big fat mouth and too many opinions — witch!

Today we don’t call opinionated woman witches. We use a “b” instead.

7. She’s childless? Omg, witch!

If you were married and barren — witch! No one gets married and doesn’t push out babies regularly. Come on!! We all know how babies get made and we all know married women ought to be pushing out babies on a regular basis.

If you weren’t? Either the devil cursed her unholy womb, or she has the power to prevent a pregnancy. Either way? Witch.

We don’t call them witches now. We call them selfish. Like, how unnatural to not long for the pitter patter of tiny feet. Something wrong with that one. Ask any woman who doesn’t want kids. She’ll give you an earful.

8. Single with cat? Witch!

We all know it. They’re not cats, they’re familiars. But only if she’s single. Lots of married couples have cats. Kept the mice under control.

Incidentally? It wasn’t just cats. In Massachusetts, two dogs were hung for being witches along with their witch owners.

Today we just call them crazy cat ladies. It’s pretty much a cultural trope. We all know what it means. Crazy old biddies that no man wants.

9. She’s old and won’t freaking die already? Witch!

Rebecca Nurse was in her seventies when she was tried, convicted, and hung for being a witch. She was so sick she had to be carried from her sick-bed to the trial and then the gallows.

Then her family buried her in an unmarked grave and took over the farm. Old women were disproportionately represented among those accused of witchcraft. Especially if they owned land. Even a tiny bit.

Thank heavens we have old age homes now. We don’t need to hang old biddies to get them out of the way anymore. Whew.

10. She’s a midwife or healer? Witch!

Ever heard of Malleus Maleficarum? In English, it means “Hammer of Witches.” It was a nasty book published in 1484 that said witches often become midwives so they have an ample supply of newborns to offer up to the devil.

Same thing for healers. God knows what they put in those potions. That’s why Margaret Jones was hung as a witch. She made medicine for some sick person who didn’t take it and accused her of witchcraft out of fear.

Thank heavens men swooped into the medical profession in the late 17th century and medicine because “accepted” because it was administered by men.

Except, today, women are dying needlessly because most medical research is done on men and our bodies don’t always work the same. Oopsie.

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Here’s the confusing part…

50,000 people around the world were charged with being a witch.

Every time, the same thing happened. They were thrown in a jail or prison of some sort. Often, for months. Cold, hungry begging and pleading to be let go. Sometimes they were tortured until they confessed. Sometimes they died waiting for trial.

Then they were put on trial and the person who they annoyed testified against them.

If they were really witches? Wouldn’t they have disappeared themselves?

Like, poof — gone!

Made some food appear?

Put a spell on the guards so they’d open the jail? Put a spell on their accuser so they’d say no, she’s a wonderful person! Put a spell on the judge to find them innocent?

Don’t you think they’d have done something with all those witch powers?

But somehow, no one thought of that? Like, not a single man around the world wondered why all those powerful witches didn’t use witchcraft to help themselves?

But I guess not, because it was all just a ruse. A convenient way to get rid of women that didn’t fit the mold. Even though we don’t hang witches anymore, the ways of identifying them still sound way too familiar.

The mold still exists. And some women still don’t fit it. Which is why the world still says those same ten things. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go feed my cat.

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